When the Holidays Hurt: Navigating Grief During the Season

The most wonderful time of year is now upon us. Some people are filled with excitement and anticipation, while others carry the mental load of endless to-do lists (and checking them twice!). Holiday traditions with family and loved ones are now underway, and for many of us, this is truly a time of great joy.

But for some of us, the holidays can be a painful reminder of loss.

Imagine this scene: You’ve set the table for the holiday feast, a warm, crackling fire glows in the fireplace, and chatter and laughter fill the air. But when it’s time to sit for dinner, there’s a sting. You look around the table and painfully notice the absence of a loved one. It’s an empty chair with a deafening silence. For those who have experienced loss, the holidays can feel lonely, heavy, and deeply sad.

If you or someone you know has experienced loss, it’s important to remember that there is no “right way” to grieve. And while grieving is an uncomfortable feeling for many of us, it’s important to accept the grief rather than avoid it. Repressed grief can lead to other significant mental health concerns, so giving yourself permission to grieve is essential. Think of it this way: The only way around grief is through it. Yes, you can experience the holidays, and yes, you can grieve as well.

Anticipating and planning for grief will help support you when sadness hits during the holidays. Give yourself permission to grieve when the sadness comes, even if it arrives in the middle of your holiday dinner. You may need to step away, so allow yourself that solitude and consider ahead of time where you might go. Consider how you might want to discuss your grief and who you feel comfortable sharing it with. You may want to decline an invitation if you feel it will be emotionally taxing; allow yourself to do so. Feeling what you’re feeling and allowing yourself what you need, without judgment, will best support you through this challenging time.

Here are some additional coping strategies for you or to share with a loved one who might be experiencing grief this holiday season:

Set boundaries. Be realistic with yourself about what you can and cannot handle this holiday season. If you can’t expend the emotional energy for decorating, cooking, and shopping, find alternative ways to celebrate that feel less taxing. Stay home when you need to stay home and decline invitations when you need to, but try to avoid “canceling” the holiday altogether. Grief and celebration can coexist, so feel your way through what that looks like for you.

Give back in memory of your loved one. Altruistic acts help us feel happier, and there’s no better time than this season of giving. Donating your time or resources to a cause that was meaningful to your lost loved one is a beautiful way to give back in their memory and feel connected to them.

Start new traditions. If the old traditions are proving too painful in light of your loss, start new ones. These traditions can honor your lost loved one, but they don’t have to. Discuss with your family some ways in which you all feel comfortable celebrating the holiday season.

Take care of yourself. Self-care is especially important when you’re grieving the loss of a loved one. Remember to eat nutritious meals and drink plenty of water. Exercise and avoid alcohol. Stay engaged in activities you enjoy and stay close to loved ones you can lean on for support. Journaling your feelings is also helpful during this time, as it can help you process the emotions that come with grieving a loss.

Whether this season is a joyous one for you or one that you anticipate may be full of sorrow, I wish you a peaceful and comforting holiday.